Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
