Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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