You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Randomize
