Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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