My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
