I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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