what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Randomize
