Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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