My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
