I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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