Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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