I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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