Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
He passed out mid-signature
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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