You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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