You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
