seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
