I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
