Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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