5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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