i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
