Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
tell me about the eggs
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
