Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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