Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
