We won't sleep together?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
