I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Randomize
