Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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