i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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