I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
