took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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