awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize