he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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