FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
