I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
