fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
