you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
