Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Im part way to drunk.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
