well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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