I think i sorta joined a cult last night
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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