i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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