Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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