i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
