she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
