I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
