I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize