$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
