Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
