12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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