woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
