she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Alive.
So much puke
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
