you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
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