I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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