my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
