I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
