I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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