Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
